Contemplation

My maternal grandmother passed away in India last night after a long and active life of 90 years. Given her age and that at last news her health was deteriorating, it didn't come as a complete surprise but the event does certainly stir the emotions. When Muslims hear of a death, we say inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon - To God we belong and to Him we return. It's light on the tongue but a heavy and beautiful reminder that our lives are not ours to fritter away but to make the most of it with goodly action as we are all going to go on that path, or as Game of Thrones would have it - valar morghulis.

Living as we did, several thousand miles apart, most of what I remember about her was from my childhood when we'd make frequent family trips to India but even then, I don't immediately remember a great deal from those trips - as a child my major concern was that we'd always go in the summer holidays which corresponded to monsoon season in India which meant we were mostly indoors.

Upon hearing of her death, I pondered - trying to remember what I could about her. I remember an old photo where she was robustly holding my toddler self while my older cousins posed and I remember the last time I saw her. I last visited India ten years ago and my Urdu is quite awful so when I was around her I couldn't communicate all that effectively but I remember her waving from the window when we were making our goodbyes and I remember thinking how small and fragile she looked, and in my youthful arrogance, wondering if I'd see her again. Not my greatest moment but I do also remember praying for her and myself as a result.

In all honesty, it saddens me to admit that I didn't know much about her beyond a general overview of her life. My memories of her are clearly very limited and 90 years is a long time and those who were geographically closer like my cousins will no doubt tell me numerous stories about her as the days go by. I could be very wrong (and I'm sure my cousins will correct me if so!) but hers was not a life of grand and momentous activity but a relatively simple life much like countless anonymous others. Growing up in a village before ending up in Mumbai with my grandfather, she did her duty and fulfilled her religious and social role: believer, daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother.

That's not to say her life was unimportant - every life is. She was loved by those she knew and to those whose lives she was directly or indirectly involved in she made a huge difference and had huge impact. The values she instilled in her children live on in the generations that came after and our very existence was naturally dependent on her. Her descendants have ended up all over the globe making what further impact they can in their own social circles and much like ripples on the sea, it's impossible to track what far-reaching effect these are having.

It's more than a passing curiosity that, even in our modern and progressive world, when people hear of a death they grow solemn and supportive and still acknowledge that the ending of a life is a significant thing. My various WhatsApp groups have been hugely supportive with prayers for her forgiveness and granting of Paradise to her and it's genuinely moving and appreciated. People make time to visit close relatives of the deceased and even brand new work colleagues are understanding of the need for flexibility.

When we hear of the death of strangers on the news its relatively easy to dissociate oneself from it but when it's someone you know who's been affected it's all that much closer to home and that little phrase becomes a stark reminder of our own mortality and the productiveness of our own existence.

To God we belong and to Him we return.

Previous Article: Hello from the other side

Seeking purpose or Dealing with a quarter life crisis

In the middle of 2014 I embarked upon a quarter-life crisis. My daily 3 hour round-trip commute was getting increasingly onerous and so I'd moved closer to work and found myself a one bedroom maisonette in a nice part of Welwyn Garden City. I was now only 5 minutes drive from the office which meant that even if I snoozed my alarm clock until 8.50 I could make it to work by 9am. Smashing result!

Soon though, I realised that despite regaining close to 3 hours of my day back I didn't have anything to do with it. I knew no one local and knew nothing about the town. I did have an internet connection though and made use of it watching various TV shows and streaming movies. And shortly after that I secured myself a 39in LED TV via a staff charity auction.

And so my post-work evenings turned into a consumer's dream. Sit on my wingback armchair and just stare at the TV for several hours until it was time to go to sleep. Through no effort of my own I was offered the full HD package missing only Sky Sports so I had a huge number of channels to keep me entertained.

After a couple of weeks of this though I started to feel a little empty. What was I wasting my time for? It was all very comfortable sitting in my wingback armchair but what was I gaining from watching endless repeats of Friends on Comedy Central and HIMYM on E4 and Top Gear on Dave? Was this what my life was going to be? 

I decided no. With all the gifts Allah in his infinite mercy had bestowed upon me I felt the need to be more productive and to not just consume but to create and use. I was still doing my once a week voluntary teaching at City Circle Saturday School and visiting friends and family on weekends which kept me somewhat sane but I wanted to make more productive use of my weekday evenings. I wanted to find a purpose for my life that I could aim for.

It was around this time that Ramadan came along and through it I got involved with the Welwyn Islamic Society and helped out with Tarawih arrangements (rolling up the prayer rugs). I made some friends in the community and found that there were various activities going on - for example a Sunday Islamic circle for adults and an bring-a-dish Iftar party. Made me feel like a part of the community. 

At this same time I happened to catch the Commonwealth Games and saw the Men's Gymnastics finals. I was very impressed and thought it looked doable and with a quick bit of googling found that there was an adult gymnastics class running in Welwyn Garden City itself! So I went along to that and found myself as the only guy in the gym. But there were only 3 women there anyway as it was a very low attendance class. And over the weeks I practiced on the trampoline and the uneven bars. I pranced on the balance beam and rolled around on the floor. And with time and practice the movements became more fluid and the strength increased. Another positive result. 

Shortly after Ramadan I went along to a weekend Peace Lab run by MUJU - a Muslim and Jewish interfaith theatre group. It was around the time of the regular Israeli Gaza assault and I wasn't expecting much but I had a free weekend and I figured if I didn't enjoy day 1 I'd just not go back for day 2. I wanted to give it a proper chance though so threw myself into it and thoroughly enjoyed it. Exploring questions of identity and religion, themes of war, peace and happiness with a group of people I had never met before but whose company and conversation I appreciated made for very good internal feelings. A month or so after the Peace Lab the organisers wanted to create a theatre piece from the material we'd discussed and recorded and I was more than happy to volunteer for that. It meant getting down to RichMix in Bethnal Green every Wednesday evening - which from Welwyn Garden City meant a good 2 hour round trip on the train and £20 per visit. But I went a long and considered it a worthwhile investment of my time and money. It culminated in a show in which I performed and which gave me thrills and an adrenaline rush I hadn't felt for a long time.

I also joined the local badminton club which gave me a regular activity on Sunday evenings and made friends with some of the other club members and introduced an element of competition to my life which had been missing for some time. And when I was eventually selected to play in one of the team competitions I found myself enjoying the experience even more!

In my time in Welwyn Garden City I undertook a few more activities which I may discuss in a future article. None of them seemed to be linked to each other and people would often question why I was doing so many different things. And it took me a while to come up with an honest answer. I'd usually say because I was bored but I think more than that the reason was I wanted to find a purpose and by trying new things I was hoping to find it. 

In some ways I am still searching but for now my purpose is to keep developing as a human being and as a person. Keep on adding skills and abilities and pray that some of them come together in future to help me find my purpose. It may or may not come but at the very least I have some interesting stories to tell. 

Shakespeare wrote it well in Hamlet “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, Rough-hew them how we will,” (Hamlet to Horatio in Act 5, Scene 2). I first came across this in another fiction book as a child but never really understood it's meaning. I think I have a better understanding of it now - don't worry about the larger plan as it's in control of a better planner than you can possibly imagine. Instead just trust in Allah, enjoy the ride and make the most of it.