Life and Death

Warning - this post discusses difficult issues. Please stop reading if you feel too uncomfortable.

I'm going to make a bold claim: people rarely discuss death. It's something that every last person on this planet is destined to experience yet I think in modern society the concept of death and the transient nature of life has been pushed far, far down the list of topics people are comfortable discussing. Maybe it has always been so but while I have no idea if mortality has ever been a dinner-table conversation, it's certainly true that in times gone by death was a much more regular event and much more a part of people's everyday lives.

As an example, churches were once the centre of the community - the place where everybody visited on a regular basis. If you ever visit an old church you'll find a graveyard adjacent to it in a prime location - often having to walk past it to enter the church. Nowadays graveyards have been relocated to out of town sites - out of sight and out of mind. Medicine and agricultural advancements have also contributed to leave death at the fringes of our existence and it has become so easy to forget that life is not forever despite a complete subconscious awareness that it is. 

Today I went to a talk titled "Coping with Death, Dealing with Grief" held by The City Circle. A little bit of a sombre title but the essence of the topic was the Islamic perspective on dealing with grief. The speaker (Shaykh Yunus Dudhwala) was very credible and well qualified to discuss the issue as the Head of Chaplaincy and Bereavement Services at Barts Health NHS Trust. 

To react to death and to grieve is perfectly natural and human and no one should be ashamed of such. Grief and bereavement show the depth of the bond between the departed and those left behind and comes from a compassionate and merciful place and this should not be forgotten. Different people do react differently to the death of someone close to them - their cultural and religious background affects their reaction as does their own belief of what death is. If they believe in life after death then that leads to a different view to someone who believe death is final. 

Islamic theology and practice is heavily rooted in the actions and sayings of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and one of the early points made was that the Prophet (pbuh) experienced the loss of relatives of every relationship: father, mother, grandparents, wife, uncles, sons, daughters and friends. The example is there for every situation and always he counselled and practiced patience and forbearance. The speaker shared a number of traditions describing the Prophet's instructions and comments to people suffering through grief. He encouraged compassion that allows for the release of grief. Crying and sadness are perfectly natural reactions and should not be discouraged - to feel is to be human and we are but human. Do not be too quick to judge the level of others' grief - some are stoic, others are more emotional. To each their own way of dealing with it and the best thing you can do is to support them and be there for them. That said though, some level of self-control is required in Islam - grief is personal and does not need to be announced to the world. Wailing, smashing things, screaming - all of these are not allowed. 

At the heart of it is the concept of patience and the famous verse "Allah is with those who are patient". Demonstrating patience and exercising self control at the time when feelings are most raw and you are at your most vulnerable is the pinnacle of spiritual achievement. Incredibly hard to do  when anger, frustration, sadness and wishfulness are all assaulting your mind. 

This is where the second major point comes into play. Islam teaches that there is life after death and whenever a Muslim hears of a death he/she is encouraged to say "To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return". A short phrase that has a superbly powerful and profound meaning. It's a reminder that our lives and the lives of our friends and the lives of our family and the lives of every single person who walks the earth are only ever on temporary loan and that the loan will eventually have to be paid back. It teaches the awareness that the time is appointed for everyone and cannot be avoided. There are no premature deaths in Islam. People may die young but not early as it was ever written thus.

So with this awareness what does it mean for us? To me, the blessing in all this is that the length of the loan is unknown to us. That death can come at any time can be either a cause for lethargy or a spur for activity. It's the difference between "If I don't know if I'll get to finish an endeavour why should should I bother to start it?" and "If I don't know I'll get to finish an endeavour I had better make sure I do as much as I can!". The latter is a much more positive view and should be the default stance for everybody. Think on death and your own mortality but let it drive you to achieve, build, maintain your relationships, be productive and generally do what is worthwhile in life.

P.S. Here's an interesting folktale on the impermanent nature of life.

Empowerful

Yesterday I went along to a Palestine fundraising event called "Empowerful" (https://www.facebook.com/events/1502161260094186/) which apart from it's unusual name (Empowering+Powerful) caught my eye a week or two ago when its colourful poster appeared on my Facebook newsfeed. I'd only heard of one of the speakers/entertainers before (Myriam Cerrah) but some friends had clicked they were going to the event and it looked like it might be a good gig and since I had the Saturday afternoon mostly free I was keen to attend. And as it happened it was also a good opportunity to see how my motorbike would fare in Saturday Central London traffic!

I turned up and quickly scanning the audience couldn't spot anybody I knew and upon frantically messaging people I discovered that all of the few who I thought were attending had had to cancel for one reason or another! A bit disappointing but no calamity: when you have 200+ people in a room that's 200+ people to talk to. It turned out the guy across the aisle from me was also called Yusuf and therefore we were guaranteed to have a good time!

The host kicked things off and one by one the speaker line up did their thing. Some spoke about their own stories and some of the challenges they'd faced while others chose to share other people's stories. All were interesting and all were powerful. There were reverts, rappers, doctors, social activists, youtubers, poets and storytellers - it's rare to see such a wide variety of performers and I was suitably impressed.

The storyteller, Mary Clark, had a background in science but told a very human story revolving around depression (which seemed an odd choice to me given the empowerment focus) but it was handled delicately and turned into an inspiring story about mental health issues. 

The rapper and singer duo from Deen Squad delivered strong performances and, technical issues notwithstanding, they proved to be very entertaining. The rapper, Jae Deen, spoke about his own journey to Islam and some very personal difficulties - particularly poignant was his line about having never prayed jamaat (congregational) prayer in his family home as his parents and family were not receptive to his Islam.

The poet, Tommy Evans, had three poems lined up - the first two were in line with the inspiration and empowerment theme but he finished with a very amusing poem about his beard! (If you click the link you'll see a photo of the man and note he has a shaved head and a ginger beard!)

Harry Fear from Russia Today talked of his experiences as a news correspondent assigned to cover Gaza. It was fascinating to hear his views on the issue as someone whose job it is to be the mouthpiece of the news.

Dr Swee Ang (orthopaedics) delivered a very moving story of how she arrived in the region many, many years ago as a Christian Zionist but upon working in Lebanon with Gazan refugees and then later in Gaza itself had her views changed to the other side of the fence and has written a book about her experiences (From Beirut to Jerusalem).

During the lunch break I abandoned my new Yusuf friend and went to talk to the speakers/entertainers. They proved to be as interesting as you would expect from such colourful background and my enjoyment of the event rose several notches and I also managed to get a front row seat for my troubles which was an excellent result! I spoke with Majdi Aqil from Interpal who gave me useful advice when he found out I was learning Arabic. Dr Swee Ang shared her views with me on the current Junior Doctors'/NHS privatisation issues and when I left the auditorium for Maghrib prayer I ended up leading some of the poets in prayer and I managed to have a chat with them as well.

And eventually we wound up doing the fundraising that was the primary purpose of the event. Most of the audience were students yet together they collectively pledged to raise over £70,000! Outstanding numbers mA and it was very heartwarming to see the passion and eagerness to help those less fortunate.

Empowerment and Powerful. These themes ran through the whole afternoon's entertainments and activities and, aside from the ideas and thoughts it sparked in my own head, I'm really pleased I went along.

Trust

Today evening at long last we had our Young Muslim Leadership Programme Alumni London gathering. It had been diarised for well over a month but there was a distinct air of mystery as no one knew who was going to turn up or why we were gathering. There had been suggestion of formalising an alumni group and there had been hints of starting some sort of activism and some talk of the bigger picture and how we could work together. But at the least we would be socialising and getting to know people from outside our own YMLP cohort. After 10 years of YMLP we expected that there would be a diverse range of people.

Upon arriving early at Kings College Student Union (kindly arranged by Nadine) I found the campus prayer room and having prayed I made my way back to the meeting place and sat down with the other early arrival - Sulaiman.

We sat across sofas and made small talk and were soon joined by a couple of other YMLPers. One of the girls didn't realise I was YMLP so when I asked her name she asked why I wanted to know. It was a bit awkward but when we realised what happened it made for good banter. And slowly the numbers grew until we had at least 20 people. It was still a muslim event though so these numbers of attendees were only reached well after the stated 6:30pm start. One or two thoughtful individuals had generously and farsightedly brought along some snacks and these were shared.

After an initial "introduce yourself" round, discussion began in earnest and we tried to address some of the questions people had in their minds: what did we want to do as an alumni group? how could we build up trust? what could we do? what could we not do? did anyone have any ideas right now? how often should we meet? shouldn't we focus on one main theme? should we copy the style of other muslim networks? why was this going to be different to the failed previous attempts?

All in all, there were lots of questions and thoughts shared. Passions were high and it was good to see the enthusiasm and the excitement. Opinions were wide and varied but for me the stand-out item was the issue of how often to meet. It was unanimous that we should meet but the frequency of meetings was up for debate. Monthly, bi-monthly or quarterly?

To my mind it was obvious that the more regular the meetings the better at this initial stage. With such a large group of people there's inevitably going to be dates that not everyone can do but that doesn't matter as those who have more schedule freedom and can make it will make it and those who can't can attend the next time or the time after that. With a group as large as we are blessed with you can consider the group separate from the individuals and so the group will meet and the momentum generated from today's session will be sustained even if single individuals can't make it.

It was curious to me then that others couldn't see this and insisted on proposing a schedule that they as an individual could commit to regardless of whether others could commit to a more frequent arrangement. The only explanation I could think of was that their enthusiasm for the project was such that they wanted to be involved in every part of it. This despite that reducing the frequency of activity would be likely to result in derailing of the project as people's other priorities come into play. In essence, they couldn't see that the idea was already bigger than any one individual and by failing to recognise that they were putting the idea in jeopardy purely through their good intentions.

Which brings me back to the bigger picture and working together. Since I am the centre of my own world it becomes very natural to think that I am an essential part of the bigger picture and without my direct involvement any project will fail and therefore anything that has to be done must be done with my approval and availability. But the beauty of working as a group is that teamwork comes into play. The group can function without you and things will get done without you.

But the important detail is it will only happen if you trust each other enough to let others do things without you. Trust is the key to a strong team but trust has to be built and earned. I'm not going to trust Joe Bloggs who I've only seen on a WhatsApp group - why should I when I know nothing about him? For myself, I'd only properly trust someone I've met, spoken to and gotten to know who they are as an individual. Trust is a part of human relationships that I think is often overlooked in people's enthusiasm and rush to start projects and I think it's time to take a closer look at it. Take yourself out of the "I know and trust myself and therefore everyone else should trust me"  and instead give them a reason to trust you.

Scoping out the issues

Yesterday while doing a DIY job I noticed myself performing quite a few aspects of project management. One in particular was the issue of changing scope - where I started with a grand plan and a perfect outcome and ended up with a much smaller plan with a slightly less than ideal outcome.

After two months of riding my motorbike I decided that enough was enough and I should do something about the gate/door to our back garden. It was slightly too narrow for my motorbike to go through comfortably and could only be locked from the inside - which was hindrance to making a speedy getaway for all those times I need to! So in my head I blue-skyed the situation and planned out a complete solution involving a brand new, a new door frame and a fancy lock which would open/lock from both sides. It all seemed very simple.

But before I went and bought any new materials I decided to inspect the current situation and make sure I knew what was needed. As I looked the door up and down I began to see issues and difficulties with my big plan that I hadn't thought of during my blue-sky phase. The facts on the ground/wall meant my grand plan was going to be a big job and one that would be quite expensive in both cost, time and effort.

My response was to reconsider my plans and discuss the issues with my father to draw upon his experience and come up with an alternative fix which left the existing door in place and only touched one side of the door-frame. Much less work involved and it would widen the gap enough for my motorbike to ride through comfortably if I twisted the wing mirrors in. I considered this an acceptable compromise and so we started with the new plan and by the time the sun set the work was complete and I now have an OK ride in and out of the gate with a lock that opens from both sides. All in all a good day's work - even if it does mean having to readjust mirrors every time I take the bike out.

Thinking about it later with my project management hat on I noticed the issue of scope and how easy it is to get carried away at the start of any change project with grand ideas of perfect solutions. From the comfort of an armchair/bed it's all very well to say this is how the world should be and complain about why it isn't like that. It's only once you get your hands dirty and try and implement the grand idea that you run into issues of practicality, resource and cost. And then you might realise that actually an interim solution that fixes the big problems but leaves behind smaller issues is actually good enough for now until such time as the resources become available for a complete fix.

I've learned similar during my professional experiences - start with the ideal situation but be aware that 'the best laid plans of mice and men do often go awry' and there's no shame in adapting your plans to take into account new circumstances. In fact I'd go so far as to say a plan that doesn't allow for change is a bad plan!
And of course it's the same in all areas of life - relationships, politics, starting a social movement. Don't be afraid to not reach your initial goal on the first attempt. Adapt and do what you can to meet most of the goal instead. But far better to try and fail than not try at all.