Yusuf's Guide To Living - Episode 4 - Something Different

Trying something new in this one so please don't become alarmed and definitely don't start rioting.




Research is an interesting business. It goes on all around us, sometimes aiding the spread of humankind, other times spreading the aid of humankind. Most research occurs at universities funded by large corporations trying to keep ahead of the competition and the majority is incomprehensible to the majority. Further, a lot of research is carried out simply for the sake of carrying out research – which while a noble cause, doesn’t always yield the most useful results!
But now and again, an appreciable piece is published which is appreciated by everybody. For example, it was recently claimed by a highly qualified mathematician friend from a reputable university that after putting extensive effort into the matter, he had finally proved that I am, in fact, the source of The Lynx Effect.

The actual Lynx Effect doesn't really have many PG-13 pictures so here's a picture of a lynx instead

It’s these less useful endeavours which spark the imagination. They are clearly much more interesting to the average above-average person.Interestingly, such research often leads some cynical souls to question the actual truth of the research! For me, a particular body of work comes to mind.

This'll make more sense in a few seconds

Research conducted in the Muggle Studies department of a disreputable university has discovered a rather curious fact known as “Moments of Three”.


In every man's life a single thing mildly surprises him on three occasions. In every man's life a single thing mildly surprises him on three occasions. It varies from person to person and surprisingly the average person doesn't know that they’ve been surprised or even register this most amazing fact. On the first occasion, his mind goes mildly blank and confusion reigns mildly supreme. However, the surprise is only mild and after a short time delay he rapidly recovers. Sometimes the time delay isn't even noticeable. Sometimes the time delay isn't even noticeable. 
Years or seconds later, when memory is but a distant memory and is also lost in the distance, it happens again and on this occasion his prior experience might nobly steer him away from the barren desert of confusion and into the lush oasis of anger. However, on the third occasion he's so accustomed to the surprise that he doesn't care. It takes a lot to stir him. It takes a lot to stir him.

There might have been a corporate sponsor

Those of you familiar with quality television and cinema will be aware of a fairly old show called The A Team. This show focuses on a band of soldiers of fortune who iron out all kinds of military and political creases (if you can find them). In the show, there is a male character, the leader of the A Team, who possesses a very specific catchphrase. Something along the lines of enjoying it when events work out.

Somehow this makes them seem even cooler

Interestingly and unbeknown to the creators of the show, they plagiarised the phrase from yours truly. Some might even say they stole it. How can I say this, you might ask, given that the show started before I was born? That is a good question and I'm glad you asked. It is because I enjoy it when events work out. It's a result of a moment of three.


When I first saw the show as a precocious child I was mildly surprised and immediately knew what had happened. Over time, this event was lost to the mists of time but while watching the film in the cinema earlier this year, I was mildly surprised again! However, you'll be pleased to know that I was able to control my anger and did not throw my popcorn at anybody. The third occasion hasn't happened yet so I suppose its not yet an actual moment of three but you get the idea.


At this stage, I have to wonder if you were paying enough attention to have realised you experienced your own moment of three in this article (the repeated sentences in the middle passage). Let me know if you did notice. If you didn't, rest assured that I love it when a plan comes together.

Yusuf's Guide To Living - Episode 3 - Interview Answers

In my short time trying to build a career I’ve had many interviews and after a post-interview rejection it's all too easy to blame the interviewer, the trains or the weather or even the fact that you wore sky-blue tie rather than a navy tie. However, sometimes you just have to share a little of the responsibility and often its only after going through the interview later, in the cold light of retrospect, that you realise an answer you thought was outstanding would probably have been better left unsaid!

In an effort to develop a sort of cautionary tale, I've picked out four of my less conventional interview situations and while the interviews were quite a while ago and I don't remember my answers verbatim, I have tried to keep true to how events unfolded.


BEAR IN MIND THAT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES
 
1) 

Position applied for: Head Boy - 2005.
Interview type: panel of 4 interviewers 2x deputy headmasters, 1x head of Sixth Form, 1x deputy head of sixth form.
Necessary information: my first ever interview. An ice cream van (known as the 'froz van') would come to the school everyday and pupils would be very keen to give it their money. To keep the crowd from turning into a rabble (which, incidentally, was allowed while we were a boys-only school) prefects (I was one of 30 or so) would try to maintain an orderly queue.

___________________________________

Interviewer: Can you tell us a way in which you would you change the school to make it better?

Me: *discreetly stalling for time* Do you mean curricular areas or something else?

Interviewer: Anything. Any area that you think could be improved. Take as much time as you need.

Me: I see. *thinks for only a second to impress them with the quickfire brilliance and easy implementability of my thoughts*
OK. Often when prefects are controlling the froz van queue, some of the students are a bit aggressive, especially when they've tried to push in and have been caught doing so. Sometimes they refuse to move to the back and all we can so is give them a pink slip and report them to you. What I would change is I would allow prefects to use physical force to maintain order. Only mild force of course, not punching pupils! Enough force so that if a student is being unruly, we could push them and move them to the back of the queue.

Interviewer: OK. *they all make notes* Well, thanks for coming. We'll be deciding later today and we'll let you know then.

___________________________________

Result: No.

Feedback provided: None

Means exactly what you think it means

2)

Position applied for: Summer Intern - actuarial pensions firm.
Interview type: HR panel interview. 2x interviewers.

___________________________________

Interviewer: Actuaries sometimes have to write large amounts of text when doing research. Can you tell us about any extended writing you've done on your university course?

Me: Not really. Maths at degree level doesn't require writing long passages, never mind essays!

Interviewer: Oh. Then have you written any prose outside of your course?

Me: *chuckles* not so much. I chose maths specifically to avoid writing essays. What I have done recently is write a long email in my capacity as vice-president of the Islamic Society. Shall I tell you about that?

Interviewer: Ok. Go on.

Me: Well, as Vice President, I am responsible for the males in the society, and recently it came to my attention that some of the members were less than strict about their clothing! During prayer we prostrate on the ground and when doing so, a few people would ... display ... *chuckle* a bit of themselves to the people behind them!! I wrote a lengthy email to discourage them from this.

Interviewer: Right. Ok. So how did you research that?

Me: Research? A few minutes on Wikipedia. Took me about 3 hours, most of which was editing time.

Interviewer: Ok. Let's move on.

___________________________________

Maybe, maybe not

Result: No.

Feedback provided: We felt that you were very genuine but unfortunately some of your answers weren't strong and we don't think you'd fit well here.



3) 

Position applied for: Graduate Consultant - Pensions Software firm - 2010

___________________________________

Interviewer: You've written here that you were Vice President of the Islamic Society. What did that involve?

Me: A wide range of things, for example organising weekly prayer meetings, arranging events, liaising with speakers. Our major event was Experience Islam Week and I was heavily involved with that.

Interviewer: Tell me some more about Experience Islam Week.

Me: It's a week of talks by guest speakers from all over the world, open to the public and the topics are pertinent to today's world and trying to dispel common myths about Islam. Things like charity or the environment.

Interviewer: Oh ok. Any other topics?

Me: Hmm. *excited about sharing some knowledge* Off the top of my head, this year we covered terrorism! And the Islamic concept of Jihad. Yes, terrorism and jihad are a couple of topics. Very interesting ones as well I found them to be. Suicide bombing and the like. Wars! The West's war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Yeah, that kind of thing. What do you know about terrorism?

Interviewer: Not much.

Me: Oh. Well it'd have interested you I think. Yep, and the role jihad can play in a muslim's life. Very fascinating indeed! Islam's against terrorism by the way.

Interviewer: I see.
___________________________________


Result: No.

Feedback provided: We don't think we have an environment in which you'd thrive.

There's a time and a place for most things.

4)

Position applied for: Summer Intern – Actuarial Pensions firm (2008)

Interview type: panel of two.
___________________________________

Interviewer: What do you know about being an actuary? The work we do.

Me: Actuaries study historical trends and try to predict the future using statistical methods. Very prevalent in pensions and the insurance industry. Analytical work and very numerical.

Interviewer: ok. What do you think you'll be doing on the internship on a day to day basis?

Me: Well, very much the work of a 1st year analyst.

Interviewer: And what do they do?

Me: First year analysts would be doing work similar in nature to a more senior trainee actuary.

Interviewer: And what they do?

Me: I'd say they'd do similar work to a qualified actuary, but with less responsibility.

Interviewer: Ok. So what do qualified actuaries do on a day to day basis?

Me: Ok. Ok. To be honest with you I know in general what actuarial involves but I don't really know what actuaries do or what I'd be doing on a day to day basis.

Interviewer: Ok. Well, something to discuss on your lunch with the analysts then.
___________________________________

Result: YES.

Feedback provided: Not necessary!

Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice and hope for the best

Click to see Episode 1


Click to see Episode 2

Yusuf's Guide To Living - Episode 2 - An Encounter with Greatness

It was Shakespeare’s Malvolio who said, "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them". A question that people on the street often ask of me is "what's the best way to interact with other people?" Mostly I respond to this question with a smile and say "be yourself". However, I often feel bad about saying this because it has been statistically proven (in the great Humanity Survey of early 2011) that people generally make poor quality human beings.

"What do you think other people are like?" - 76,600 respondents.

It came as a surprise to me then that on my daily commute, observing people with much accuracy and judging them on how they responded to my staring, I saw a man who was not only born with greatness but also had greatness written all over him.

One genteel action set him apart from the wild mob of harried commuters.
He was standing alone, close to the doors and away from the seats. I was too afraid to approach him at first but after steeling myself I stood up and joined him in his glorious standing.

“Good day to you, sir” I begin.

“Hello”.

“So where are you headed?”

“Liverpool St.”

“Excellent,” I say, “That gives us lots of time, at least 20 minutes. I would like to learn from you. What's your name?”

“What?” He pretends to look confused.

“What do I call you?”

“Oh. Alpha Golden.”

“Ah…yes, of course,” I mutter, “that makes sense.”

“Mr Golden, please teach me.” I announce.

“I'm sorry, I don't understand.”

“I want to be great like you. How does this usually happen?”

“How does what happen?” 

“My dear fellow. Your modesty speaks volumes. Clearly you were born great. I would like greatness thrust upon me, Alpha, and I think you can help me. You are here, standing amidst all these empty seats because of your conviction and practice in that most ancient and glorious art of chivalry! Many thought that chivalry was dead and that men world over no longer strove for generosity of spirit. That men would happily sit down and let a woman stand, uncaringly ignoring all others save their own selves. I see from your stance that even though there are lots of empty seats, you stand alone in protest of the changing social landscape. You know that few women expect such behaviour and so you pre-emptively stand, rather than make them wait even a moment while you get up from 

your seat. Sir, I applaud you. Please teach me all that you know.”

A thought occurs to me.

“Oh. Wait. Am I allowed to call you Alpha? It won't impact our student teacher relationship will it? Should I call you Sir? Shaykh? Master? My liege?” I ask.

“Errr.”

This catches me by surprise.

“Why did you ‘errr’?”

“Erm. What...”

I cut him off. 

"Fraud! FRAUD!" I shout. "You cannot be great! A great man knows how to use silences instead of saying " errr" or "erm"! You are a fraud. What do you have to say for yourself?"

He stares at me initially with disbelief that I have discovered his dark secret, but rapidly his cheeks colour and what I recognise to be shame fills his expression.

“I...I...I think this is my stop,” he says as the train slows.

“But this isn't Liverpool St, that’s another 15 minutes away” I say.

Sounding desperate, he says “No, this is where I need to get off the train” but hesitates for a few seconds before jumping out as the doors are about to close.

I follow him with my eyes and as the train leaves the platform I observe that, unable to move because of his shame, he stays where the doors were.

An unknown man achieving greatness

Yusuf's Guide To Living - Episode 1 - Pilot

Originally published 3 August 2011

Little victories often get a bad press. It's sometimes difficult to see how a particular small action plays into the grander scheme of things which leads people to disregard their minor deeds and which can sometimes lead to a large shift in how events unfold.

These past couple of days in London have been scorchingly hot! Not in comparison to a tropical desert but in comparison to the weather of the past couple of months, it's safe to say it is scorchingly hot. In fact, while at work, I turned to a colleague and announced "It's scorchingly hot!" Startled by my exclamation he looked up and with much sincerity he nodded several times, as if to say, "Yusuf. You are absolutely correct. Your descriptive skills astonish me. Those are the perfect words to describe this current weather!" I could see gratitude in his eyes and the tension of not knowing how to describe the weather left his shoulders as he turned away back to his computer.

It might be that I'm noticing the weather more because in recent weeks I have learned to pay attention to things and have developed keen observational skills. This might well be the case but until I can observe my observational skills observing this I am forced to look for another cause.

The first fast of this year's Ramadan was on Monday 1st August. Incidentally, this day happened to have weather which would later be known as "scorchingly hot". Not being able to eat or drink during daylight hours presents a tricky problem when those same daylight hours are trying their hardest to make you eat and drink. Daylight hours can be very persuasive and at any other time of the year, one might well succumb to their cunning methods. Indeed, a very well known English proverb is "One swallow does not make a summer" which is widely interpreted as meaning that you're only in summer when you need to swallow more than one mouthful of water to be comfortable. 

Attack is often the best form of defence and in the face of the daylight onslaught my advice would be to stand up, look the sun square in the eye and give it a long, cold stare then finish it off by drawing the blinds closed.

Working while fasting in the heat throws up several more complications. If you're in an office based job, you might find yourself trying to analyse a spreadsheet when all of a sudden your ears will prick up at the sound of the watercooler and the sweet rushing of water into a colleague's cup. And you'll restlessly watch as he nonchalantly just leaves the cup on his desk, gathering droplets of condensation and leaving you in no doubt just how refreshingly ice-cold that water is. Dragging your eyes away, you immerse yourself into your spreadsheet, fighting the urge to look at the water and pondering how you're going to make this spreadsheet the best spreadsheet anyone has ever seen. There will be striking yet clear formats. There will be macros. There will be pivot tables. And most importantly of all, there will be lots and lots of cells filled in with blue. Why blue you might subconsciously wonder? Because blue reminds you of water. 

Damn. 

It's then that you realise that half an hour has gone by since the watercooler events and its on this realisation that you work out the way to get through this war of attrition: little victories, step by step taking you through the day.

Often you'll need to absorb information about your surroundings and leverage that into a tactical battle plan. For example, while sitting at my desk, I noticed that I have difficulty seeing through wood. Upon questioning my colleagues it turned out many other humans have the same difficulty. Furtively looking around in case anyone was spying on me, I sat for a while and allowed this realisation to sink in. Following a few minutes of sinking, I brainstormed ideas for using this new knowledge to my advantage (see link at bottom). The paper was soon covered in revolutionary and ground-breaking ideas and after much deliberation I settled on enacting a single plan.

I dropped my pen next to my chair and slowly reached down, ostensibly to retrieve it but actually to loosen my shoelaces, after which deed I checked again for spies and upon seeing nothing unusual, I carefully removed my feet from their leather prison. And so long as I was careful to keep my feet under the wooden table, not a soul knew. And I myself? Well, I was tremendously comfortable.

Little victories - they really do make a difference.